How to introduce flavour to vanilla husband?

Discussions of the emotional side of sex and relationships
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KinkInTheCloset
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How to introduce flavour to vanilla husband?

Post by KinkInTheCloset » Thu Sep 05, 2019 3:59 am

Hi everyone,

So i feel a bit silly posting this and I swear if you’d met the 17-22 year old me, this conversation would’ve been so different but .... I’ve been going vanilla too long and I need to introduce hubby to some flavours, even subtle ones lol... but it’s been so long since I had anything other than vanilla, so I need some inspiration to reignite the flames ...

Bit of a background...

I’ve been married to a brilliant man for 15 years. I love him dearly however I’ve never felt fully myself in the bedroom department and over the years I’m finding it harder and harder to orgasm... and it struck me recently that I think it’s because mentally I’m not excited enough .... and now things have become so focused on me coming that it prevent me from coming :dodgy: and I just need to shake things up a bit ... and my hubby is a little closed minded and skittish and I believe it’s lack of confidence and I want to try build him up and build his confidence with me....

Pre-marriage I was super confident, ‘highly’ sexual and very open minded ... however I met my husband and he was always quite straight laced and vanilla .... which is fine 9 nights out of 10 ... but every so often I find myself just wanting some kink.

Like just pin me down and have your way with me, even if I’m tired or in a crap mood...just take it and make my day better in the process .... or tease me until I feel like I’m going to burst if I don’t get to cum... try some toys or light bondage etc .... however over the years I’ve tried to introduce those things and I just can’t get him to want to give anything a proper shot and it’s all because of his mentality.

For example .... when I say Dom/sub I’m thinking of things like controlled orgasm, little bit of forcefulness, lots of teasing and building anticipation and of course lots of pleasure for both involved ..... where as when I try to explain it to him, his mind automatically goes To being rough and causing pain and the Dom using the sub but not giving in return etc. When I say forced, he jumps to rape (for me it’s the feeling of being so desired by this man that he’s lost control - obviously I wouldn’t desire this from someone I didn’t trust fully). So we are totally crossing wires and I tend to just give up trying to explain it and I just keep those things to my alone time fantasies ...

However, recently during sex he went to grab my shoulder but got my throat instead and i instantly reacted to that (even surprising myself haha). He noticed and tried again another night and got the same reaction. As a result I’ve been able to open a like of communication again and he seems much more open minded this time round ... but he still doesn’t get it, he still seems to have this idea that being dominant means he takes whatever he liked but doesn’t give anything in return, same with being rough/forceful. Don’t get me wrong, there are inert of nights he climbs into bed and I happily give him a blow job or s c without expecting or wanting to orgasm or even receive myself... I’m happy to pleasure him and I love pleasuring him and I don’t always need things reciprocated... but I’d just like to shake things up a little ...

So....guys and girls.... I’ve got a night planned the next time kids are away and I’d like to get some ideas .... I’ve secretly ordered a nice Lacy, open backed, chemese and a cock ring (something we’ve discussed previously but never tried) .. sexy lingerie isn’t something I’ve done for a looooooong time ... mainly as I lost confidence In my body.... but I’m starting to feel a bit more up for the challenge or over coming my issues haha. But then hubby announced tonight that he doesn’t desire sexy clothing cause he likes me totally naked - should I fore go the sexy chemes or Will he likely love it, even if it ends up on the floor before sex?

So my plan is to give him some simple but difficult (for him) rules such as no touching unless I tell him, no making demands etc, basically I want him to lie back and enjoy ... but I’m in control of his pleasure and the more times he breaks my rules, the longer it’ll be before he gets to cum! then I’m going to (maybe?) dance for him - this is something I haven’t had the confidence to do in years but I’m trying really hard to fake it till I make it with my confidence recently haha - so I’m daring myself to give him a dance, which I know he’d love. And then I’m going to spend the evening pleasuring him to the brink before pulling him back, I’m going to take my time with him and ... hopefully... get him excited and frustrated enough that he begs for the release... and of course I’ll have fun along the way too ;) but really ill be having a blast as long as he enjoys it ... if I can show him how much fun can be had by just giving up something like control.

I want to show him that being domineering over me or being rough isn’t (in my mind) all about taking and roughing me up (although I wouldn’t object if it was his thing) and actually for me what I want is him to take control of my pleasure... but at the same time, have his fun with me too.... and if he’s up for it... maybe switching it up and swapping sides from time to time.

However ... my imagination has really lost its flavour over the past 16 vanilla years .... I need some ideas to introduce him to a little more flavour. Preferably things I can use while I’m having my fun controlling his orgasms ...

Be kind :lol:

KiTc

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Lady L
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Re: How to introduce flavour to vanilla husband?

Post by Lady L » Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:28 am

Hi KiTc and welcome to the forum. It's great to have another female around.

Firstly don't feel silly and I love how you've described wanting to 'introduce hubby to some flavours'! I can see you've put a lot of thought into you relationship and it's good that you've identified areas that are lacking excitement and intimacy for you. I don't agree that your imagination has lost its flavour at all - you've come up with lots of sexy scenarios that I'm thinking of using! Not to be flippant though, the main problem I can see is communicating those ideas to your hubby. In a long relationship it's easy to take each other for granted , with work, kids and life in general taking precedence. We all do it.

Time alone, without the kids is essential, whether it's in your own home or a night away. If you can arrange a hotel stay, I think neutral ground and a different bed is perfect. It doesn't have to be expensive either. Uninterrupted time is key. You need to emphasise that it's a learning journey together and ask for his views. Go slow and don't automatically assume you'll be swinging from the chandeliers straight away, unless of course the moment takes you!

Good luck! X

Oh and btw, with regards to the sexy lingerie - wear it anyway, if it makes you feel good. Also in order to be totally naked, as he says he likes you, you can always peel it off slowly and make him wait to get you totally naked!

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sunshinestate100
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Re: How to introduce flavour to vanilla husband?

Post by sunshinestate100 » Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:50 am

Hi KiTC, A great description of where you are at and where you want to be, I only wish my wife was as interested in the intimate side of life as you seem, many years of nothing leads to a lot of frustration. However that is another story.. May I suggest in terms of the sexy lingerie, definitely wear it, for one it will make you feel good about yourself and get your body confidence back, and also what male wouldn't like to see his wife in a sexy outfit. I don't buy the I prefer you naked, most men get turned on by nice lingerie. So make it part of the night, he should be teasing and instructing you on how and when to remove it, don't give in easily, he can wait for the prize!! Also in the build up to the night have you thought about printing out an erotic story that you may find which could describe in a similar fashion how you want him to be with you, would he read it? this may be another way of communicating what your needs are. Us men sometimes are a bit slow in understanding a woman's needs!! Hope it goes well for you.
MWM 40's fun,loving,caring and a kinky side...

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MajorJump
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Re: How to introduce flavour to vanilla husband?

Post by MajorJump » Thu Sep 05, 2019 4:24 pm

When me and my ex felt things were losing colour.... we came up with a dice game (based on the book The Diceman)
For one dice we chose 6 different places, 5 safe and 1 very risky...
2nd dice 5 different sex acts and 1 untried one
3rd dice 5 different places to cum and 1 like in his own mouth or something...

Each dice has 5 exciting "safe" ideas and 1 with a certain amount of risk to add excitement and give the game an edge

Each time you play you get different combinations all out of your own control, all down to fate.

Maybe let each choose the ideas for all the dice or maybe 1 each and 1 a combination but it's important to have a risk involved (only a small one, not like skydiving hehe)

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KinkInTheCloset
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Re: How to introduce flavour to vanilla husband?

Post by KinkInTheCloset » Thu Sep 05, 2019 4:51 pm

Lady L wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:28 am
Hi KiTc and welcome to the forum. It's great to have another female around.

Firstly don't feel silly and I love how you've described wanting to 'introduce hubby to some flavours'! I can see you've put a lot of thought into you relationship and it's good that you've identified areas that are lacking excitement and intimacy for you. I don't agree that your imagination has lost its flavour at all - you've come up with lots of sexy scenarios that I'm thinking of using! Not to be flippant though, the main problem I can see is communicating those ideas to your hubby. In a long relationship it's easy to take each other for granted , with work, kids and life in general taking precedence. We all do it.

Time alone, without the kids is essential, whether it's in your own home or a night away. If you can arrange a hotel stay, I think neutral ground and a different bed is perfect. It doesn't have to be expensive either. Uninterrupted time is key. You need to emphasise that it's a learning journey together and ask for his views. Go slow and don't automatically assume you'll be swinging from the chandeliers straight away, unless of course the moment takes you!

Good luck! X

Oh and btw, with regards to the sexy lingerie - wear it anyway, if it makes you feel good. Also in order to be totally naked, as he says he likes you, you can always peel it off slowly and make him wait to get you totally naked!
Hey,

Are there not many of us ladies on here? My profile has me down as male for some reason and I can’t change it lol.

I definitely agree about the communication. Things have gotten so awkward to discuss with him over the years as I’ve tried and failed more than once. I used to be able to talk about sex so easily but now I find it increasingly difficult.

Part of the problem is that hubby has almost no confidence in himself sexually because I find it so difficult orgasm. Over the years he’s become so focused on me having an orgasm that it’s (a) put a lot of mental pressure on me to perform and that in itself can prevent me and (b) made sex feel like it’s lost it’s flow. Everything now feels aimed at me and it’s lost all spontaneity and passion. He doesn’t get that even when I masterbate I often don’t orgasm and I’m ok with that as long as I’ve had fun along the way. I am on strong pain medication and also my neurological function isn’t perfect so my automatic nervous system doesn’t always respond as it should, thus affecting orgasms but I still love sex none the less.

So as a result as I said hubby has lost his confidence and in the past when I’ve tried to talk to him he’s taken it quite personally and withdrawn from sex for a while (beating himself up, not blaming me). I really want to help build him and help him understand that getting prize isn’t the only reason to take part in an activity .... you can still have fun in the process even if you don’t finish the race lol.

Thankfully though we’ve been talking a lot more about it recently. Still awkward, I’m still hesitant due to previous reactions I’ve had of him (feeling judged) but we are talking at least and he seems a lot less judgmental this time. Hence I’ve decided to plan this evening.

Thankfully our boys go to their grandparents every second weekend so we get the house to ourselves and that’s when I plan to strike with the lingerie lol. Hubby knows I have something planned but doesn’t know what.

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KinkInTheCloset
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Re: How to introduce flavour to vanilla husband?

Post by KinkInTheCloset » Thu Sep 05, 2019 4:53 pm

MajorJump wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 4:24 pm
When me and my ex felt things were losing colour.... we came up with a dice game (based on the book The Diceman)
For one dice we chose 6 different places, 5 safe and 1 very risky...
2nd dice 5 different sex acts and 1 untried one
3rd dice 5 different places to cum and 1 like in his own mouth or something...

Each dice has 5 exciting "safe" ideas and 1 with a certain amount of risk to add excitement and give the game an edge

Each time you play you get different combinations all out of your own control, all down to fate.

Maybe let each choose the ideas for all the dice or maybe 1 each and 1 a combination but it's important to have a risk involved (only a small one, not like skydiving hehe)
That’s a great idea! I’m definitely going to give that a try! Thanks for the suggestion!

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KinkInTheCloset
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Re: How to introduce flavour to vanilla husband?

Post by KinkInTheCloset » Thu Sep 05, 2019 5:07 pm

sunshinestate100 wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:50 am
Hi KiTC, A great description of where you are at and where you want to be, I only wish my wife was as interested in the intimate side of life as you seem, many years of nothing leads to a lot of frustration. However that is another story.. May I suggest in terms of the sexy lingerie, definitely wear it, for one it will make you feel good about yourself and get your body confidence back, and also what male wouldn't like to see his wife in a sexy outfit. I don't buy the I prefer you naked, most men get turned on by nice lingerie. So make it part of the night, he should be teasing and instructing you on how and when to remove it, don't give in easily, he can wait for the prize!! Also in the build up to the night have you thought about printing out an erotic story that you may find which could describe in a similar fashion how you want him to be with you, would he read it? this may be another way of communicating what your needs are. Us men sometimes are a bit slow in understanding a woman's needs!! Hope it goes well for you.
Hi!

My hubby and I have had many dry spells over the years so you have my sympathies, his libido has never been as high as mines

Regarding the sexy underwear, I kinda thought as much myself to be honest and I’m going to wear it. Better to wear it and it be removed, than him never see it. Who knows, he might discover he likes it.

I’ve tried reading him things that I’ve thought sounded hot (he wouldn’t read it) but he generally just looks at me with raised eyebrows and says nothing. So last night I went as far as to sit us both down and watch different types of porn together. We’ve watched porn together before and quite open about the fact we both watch it occasionally. So it wasn’t awkward in anyway but he just didn’t seem interested in anything. Even when I’ve looked to see what kind of porn he’s watching it’s just BWW typical vanilla porn.

He took one look at a soft bondage video and his response was “well that’s enough of that”. And nothing we watched interested him.... The only thing I know that gets him super hot is sex outside.... I indulged him a few times but I’m really not comfortable with it and it’s not something I really want to do more than maybe once a year. I’d never fully deny him something but it really isn’t enjoyable for me. Oh and dirty talk but I’m terrible at it .... I plan to work on that haha.

Do you think it’s possible for a person to have absolutely not an ounce of kink in them? :blush:

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sunshinestate100
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Re: How to introduce flavour to vanilla husband?

Post by sunshinestate100 » Thu Sep 05, 2019 5:19 pm

Hi, yes I do think some people have no kink at all. I married one. Despite talking etc nothing works not interested at all. Not even a kiss or hug. So hang in there at least you have some kind of interest from him. If you want to try out the dirty talk beforehand message me!!! Its been a long time since someone did that to me. I may even blush!!!
MWM 40's fun,loving,caring and a kinky side...

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Hovis
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Re: How to introduce flavour to vanilla husband?

Post by Hovis » Thu Sep 05, 2019 7:24 pm

KinkInTheCloset wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 4:51 pm

Are there not many of us ladies on here? My profile has me down as male for some reason and I can’t change it lol.
There are a few ladies here, but true not many, but please don't let that put you off.

I've corrected your profile.

You might like to start very simple, try a little bondage. Tied to the bed is easy and sometimes fun.
Getting naughtier by the day

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Voshigirl
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Re: How to introduce flavour to vanilla husband?

Post by Voshigirl » Thu Sep 05, 2019 8:21 pm

Hello.

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